The red piano

Cheap (or free) piano available!

I'd really love to keep it, but the only storage is on the 2nd floor and it won't fit up the stairs

I'd have to get a crane and winch it up through a window.

I have seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to think this would be a good idea.

It is about four feet long and two feet deep, and is painted red.

If you cherish Glen Gould's fingers on a Steinway grand, this is definitely not your piano.

But if you don't care about technicalities like being in tune or fully functioning black and white keys, I have your instrument.

If your son or daughter has been begging for an in-home piano so they can avoid the tiny, funky-smelling, practice rooms at school, this might be perfect for you.

It would also be perfect for launching from a large catapult or trebuchet!

I'll even give it to you for free if you promise to launch the fucking thing and send me a video.

Rumor has it that this piano was originally installed in Torrington's historic Warner Theater, but whether you buy that shit depends on your willingness to believe that the "Dittman" brand was ever an illustrious movie house piano.

It's in decent physical shape, but there is a burn mark on the top surface.
It looks like its previous owner left his opium pipe burning on it.

It doesn't sound all that good when playing Fur Elise or the Moonlight Sonata...or playing anything else for that matter.
But I bet it'll make beautiful thunk/plong/crash noises when it lands.

Or maybe with some love and care, you can restore it and I'll see you pounding away on it as front-person for the next big band.
I'm pulling for you.
Really.

You must be able to come pick it up by Friday.
Also, you must bring some strong people to help you load it into your truck or onto your catapult.