The Fuck me heels

So I went to look for some shoes.
Mind you, they were not for me, they were for my lover, friend, and confidant, all rolled into one gorgeous, feisty sparkplug of a woman.

So I decided to stop in at Nordstrom's.
Yes, I went to those upscale dumps for people with more money than brains (this excludes me of course, it's patently obvious I have neither).

I hit the top of the escalator and was met by a guy carefully eyeing me to see if I was Norstrom's material or not. Either that or he had ideas about how he'd dress me, because it appeared he was undressing me, at least until he addressed me.

Granted, I don't exactly look like the Nordstrom's type, but when Grover T. ShoeSalesman asked me if he could help me, he asked it in a way that made the word 'help' sound like it had at least 3 or 4 syllables, as in "May I heell..lll....pppp you?"

MrWrong came out.
Fast.

"Sure, where are the auto parts?" I asked.
"Sir, we don't carry auto parts" Grover responded, again with way too many syllables for his own good.
"Meh, screw the auto parts. Where do you keep the Fuck Me heels?"
"Excuuuuuuse me? This is Nordstrom's, we do not carry thooossse sorts of things here"
"What? Is there something wrong with Fuck Me heels? I mean, hey, I'm a red-blooded male, and when I see a woman with great legs wearing Fuck Me heels I just want to drop to my knees and work my way up. You get my drift, Grover?"
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store, the other customers are clearly uncomfortable with your rather lewd and crass behavior"
"She's not" I said, and pointed towards the pretty woman who was clearly grinning from ear to ear and chuckling
"SIR!"
"OK. OK, I'm leaving. Soooooo Grover, is there a place in the mall that you could recommend for Fuck Me heels? Surely you must wear a pair every now and then if you work in a place like this. They must fuck you over pretty good here"

Fuck you

Fuck you, cleaning the fridge.
How the hell do you get so dirty?
I don't eat in there
I just store food.
What the fuck is that stain on the bottom shelf, anyway?
Do gnomes have keg parties in here when I'm at work or something?
So thank you for keeping my food cold, but fuck you for making a mess of it.


Fuck you, paying bills.
Every goddamned month?
Are you kidding me?
And, while I'm at it, fuck your pathetic little late fees.
They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time.
So thank you for the electricity, water, and gas, but fuck you for your constant demands.


Fuck you, Iphone
You're so full I have to delete old pics to make room for new pics.
What man can make this decision?
It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship.


Fuck you, changing light bulbs.
It's 2013, right?
Why do I have to change lightbulbs?
Hell , I was pissed when I wasn't issued a jetpack back in 2001 (and where's my fucking raygun?)
I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on a wobbly chair and change a bulb.

Two bonus fuck yous:
Fuck you for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a dark room, flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and loud ass pop!

And fuck you for somehow convincing your lightbulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with apprehesion whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What?
Did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep?
Assholes.


Fuck you, washing dishes.
Why the fuck does a "dishwasher" not clean a fucking dish?
I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (fuck you, environment) and eating with my hands.
I'm a caveman in a house.

Finally, fuck you, writing this bullshit.

Mrswrong's guide to keeping the "spark" in your relationship.

Okay, so I realize once you've been with your significant other for a while, things start to lose their "spark". This doesn't have to be the way. There are plenty of things you can do to keep your relationship exciting.
The following is a list that should really help. You're welcome.

Hide his keys (in your pocket), allow him to search a minimum of 20 mins, then offer to help and immediately "find" them. Do this daily for a week.

Refer to his genitalia as "pee pee" or my personal favorite "lil' peeter". Pretty much anything with "lil'" in front of it is sure to, at the very least, get you an eye roll and a dramatic sigh.

Put everything you know he eats regularly behind something else in the fridge, preferably on the bottom shelf. When he inevitably asks "babe, where's the whatever" after looking for 10 minutes, sigh and immediately "find" it. This works great with toothpaste also.

Keep asking the same question but phrase it 15 different ways.

Argue with him about something for at least an hour, or until he's good and fired up (about 7 minutes for MrWrong) then give him your cutest smile and say "oh, you're right, sorry baby, tee hee" then he can't stay mad, and that will annoy him further.

Ask him to do a household chore and then complain he didn't do it right. This always works well when leaving him to care for children, because he really won't do it right.

Gather a minimum of 57 pictures of an acquaintance's baby, the uglier the better. Look at each picture on your phone in this way; gaze lovingly at it, say "awe babe, look at this one" to each of the 57 photos. If his eyes begin to glaze, it's working.

If your man has regular bm's, this next one will work well for you; make sure there is only one roll of toilet paper in the bathroom with 2 squares left around that time. Again, repeat daily for at least a week.

Set your alarm 45 minutes early every morning and pretend you don't hear it. Make sure it is way across the room.

If this list doesn't make things more interesting, nothing will!! MrWrong is a lucky man!!