How to Determine if You are an Asshole Snow Driver

Are you an asshole snow driver?

Are you intimidated by winter driving? 
Do you pull in front of people without even looking?
Are you afraid of going more than 20mph when the first snowflake hits the ground?
Then you are an asshole snow driver.

If you are scared of snow, why the hell are you on the road?
Better yet, why are you even here in Ct. in the winter? 

Don't you know where the fuck you are? 
This isn't the fucking jungle or the desert. 

I hate you assholes.

You inevitably pull out in front of me
What, you didn't see the bright red truck with the big yellow plow?
You didn't notice it's lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree? 

I put all those flashing lights on to warn assholes like you.

Nope, you just pull out like your dad should have.

There is usually no one behind me; you could wait another 10 seconds and I would not have to slam on my brakes on the ice and snow. 

You then proceed to drive really slowly...about 1/4 the speed limit. 

No one in their right mind would pass you during a snow storm. 

So, I'm stuck behind you until you pull into whatever casino, bingo hall, liquor store, gas station, or crack house you're headed to. 

I realize that driving on slippery roads can be scary

I appreciate that you are driving within your limits. 

However, don't pull out in front of a plow truck when you know you're not going to at least go 1/2 the speed limit! 

You obviously aren't in a hurry anyway, so wait 10 seconds, and you won't run the risk of getting plowed into by a 7 ton truck. 

Also, when you see a line of cars 30-50 deep trapped behind you, you don't have to speed up, no, but you SHOULD pull over to let some by. 

You're obviously doing a really shitty job of setting the pace on this "not-safe-for-passing" road. 

Do us ALL a favor and let us get to our families, jobs, or real obligations, and pull the fuck over for fuck's sake! 

road to pull on to for a minute. 

If the shoulder has been replaced by a 3 ft wall of plowed snow, find a decently plowed side 

Don't be surprised or offended if you get 25 middle fingers and 37 horns from the 50 cars you fucked for the last hour and a half.

Here are some tips for you that will make both of our lives easier: 

1. Your winter driving confidence will grow ten-fold if you get rid of that 1994 Buick front wheel drive and get something with all wheel drive. You don't need a huge truck or SUV, but just something that actually gets some traction. Try an old Subaru. They're all wheel drive and great in the snow

2. Go practice in an empty parking lot, and see exactly what your limits are and those of your vehicle. You won't get arrested for sliding around an empty parking lot. 

3. You don't want to give up your front wheel drive Buick? 

At least get some snow tires for the front two wheels; better yet all of your wheels could use them. 

4. Wait until the last car passes before pulling on to the road. See above. 

5. Stay the fuck home! Visibility too low? Too windy? Icy roads? Then don't drive to the casino to lose $200 bucks out of your $300 paycheck and jeopardize the rest of us.

Stay home, watch game shows, and beat your wife/husband/dog or whatever you sleep with at night. 

6. Don't like option #5? 

Then take a bus

Believe it or not, these guys are good at winter driving. 

They do this for a living. 

Besides, the bus ride to the casino or bingo hall will only cost a fraction of what you'll lose once you get there. 

Plus you save yourself the embarrassment of getting flipped off by grandma in the Ford Expedition when she finally passes you. 

7. Move to the South. 

I bet you'd fit in there anyway.

Not sure what their casino scene is like, but you'll find some other unintelligent way to lose money.

You can even keep your Buick! 

I realize the people who are actually the offenders are probably not going to read this...at least not many of them. 

First you have to have a computer. 

Then you have to resist the urge to pawn it for casino money.

And the you have to be smart enough to use it.

So if you are reading this and know any of these assholes, tell them what I think about following them at 20 mph on the highway for two goddamn hours. Thanks!