The 12 step program

A letter to my daughter's mom:

I recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated, and finances ruined, by years-long legal battles with their scum bag exes.

I am currently up to Step 8: 

"Willingness to Make Amends"

"As such" I apologize for the following recent transgressions:

1) Giving the drunk guy at the bar who ordered a Red-Headed Slut your phone number

2) Annoying the staff at several hospitals by calling to check if they had any fresh organ donors with a heart to replace your cold dead one. 

3) Demanding a refund from Southwest Airlines after they wouldn't let you on my flight.

Their advertisements say my bag would fly free.

4) Writing your number on the bathroom wall at the American Legion with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older. 

5) Telling a Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave in which the leader of Al Qaeda was hiding and then providing him with the GPS coordinates to your bedroom

6) Praying that karma will hurry it's ass up and come around to you while I am still alive to see it. 

For these things, I make my amends... 

I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vise, but I have to go along with the program