Rules to follow when living above me

Please make as much noise as is humanly possible.
Make sure you stomp your huge, ham-filled feet every step you take.
If I cannot track your current location to within a centimeter, you aren't doing your job.

When not playing video games at full volume, you should take your TV off the stand and face it, screen down, at the floor. Make sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible.

The best time for you to come home is between midnight and 2 am or whenever I'm sleeping.
Make sure you trip over at least one stair on the way upstairs
Once you see my lights turn off, make sure you turn up the volume on that DVD of "World's Loudest Explosions - Caught on Film!"

All of your phones must have their ringer hooked up to a bass guitar amplifier.
This way, when your phone rings for the 937th consecutive time without you picking it up, I will realize you must've accidentally tripped over it and broke your 1500-pound skull on the coffee table and I should probably alert the proper authorities.

When moving around up there, pretend the Grim Reaper himself is chasing you throughout your house. Slam doors as hard as possible to prevent him from sneaking in.

Taking a shower at 3:00 am is perfectly acceptable.
Since my apartment is lined with hundreds of different pipes which carry water to approximately 17 different countries, make sure to take showers at night whenever possible.

Every night at 1AM, you should drop something large and heavy such as:
-A refrigerator
-A wheelbarrow full of lead and concrete
-A month's collection of all the pizzas, Slim Jims, and YooHoos you consume
-The entire world
If you don't have access to any of those items, then just trip and fall over. Try to be holding some cinder blocks while doing so.

When speaking to your husband and tossing bowling balls around your apartment, make sure to use a megaphone whenever laughing at something he says. This way I'll know he is a very funny and witty man (who cannot catch bowling balls)

The "bass" knob on your stereo stands for "Better Acoustic Sounding Songs" and should be cranked up as loud as possible to reflect quality.
Try to listen only to rap, techno, or anything which features the drum the size of a delivery truck.
If the song has lyrics, you should turn the bass up so high that it sounds like the the singer is repeatedly chanting, "mwog bbblrrgm gwaf."

Don't ever leave your apartment in the daytime.
Ever.
The outside air is known for the trace amounts of cyanide floating around in it, so it's safer for you to simply hibernate in there for the next nine years.

Much like in an exciting video game, hitting surrounding objects with a hammer may reveal magic prizes hidden inside.
Smack everything you can find with a hammer or large wooden board.
Then smack the wooden board with a hammer because, who knows? It might be a trick.

When the power in the entire block goes out at 11:00 PM and you notice everybody else's lights are off, be sure to open your window and shout, "DID THE POWER GO OFF?!?" out your window.
There could be a family a few miles away that still has power, in which case you could go over to their house and borrow a cup of electricity so you may operate the jackhammer you've got going in your kitchen.