Fuck you

Fuck you, cleaning the fridge.
How the hell do you get so dirty?
I don't eat in there
I just store food.
What the fuck is that stain on the bottom shelf, anyway?
Do gnomes have keg parties in here when I'm at work or something?
So thank you for keeping my food cold, but fuck you for making a mess of it.


Fuck you, paying bills.
Every goddamned month?
Are you kidding me?
And, while I'm at it, fuck your pathetic little late fees.
They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time.
So thank you for the electricity, water, and gas, but fuck you for your constant demands.


Fuck you, Iphone
You're so full I have to delete old pics to make room for new pics.
What man can make this decision?
It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship.


Fuck you, changing light bulbs.
It's 2013, right?
Why do I have to change lightbulbs?
Hell , I was pissed when I wasn't issued a jetpack back in 2001 (and where's my fucking raygun?)
I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on a wobbly chair and change a bulb.

Two bonus fuck yous:
Fuck you for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a dark room, flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and loud ass pop!

And fuck you for somehow convincing your lightbulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with apprehesion whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What?
Did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep?
Assholes.


Fuck you, washing dishes.
Why the fuck does a "dishwasher" not clean a fucking dish?
I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (fuck you, environment) and eating with my hands.
I'm a caveman in a house.

Finally, fuck you, writing this bullshit.