Hi kids!
As Christmas approaches, I feel I need to tell y'all about my thoughts on gift giving.
Disclaimer: Before anyone thinks, "Fine, you asshole. I hope you get nothing for Christmas!" please realize that I don't want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here.
If I need something, I don't ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult.
What do I want for Chris...
As Christmas approaches, I feel I need to tell y'all about my thoughts on gift giving.
Disclaimer: Before anyone thinks, "Fine, you asshole. I hope you get nothing for Christmas!" please realize that I don't want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here.
If I need something, I don't ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult.
What do I want for Chris...
tmas? I don't know....
Since I'm writing this at 4am, I guess the ability to sleep would be nice.
Here are some specific things that I DON'T want this holiday season:
#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts
Unless the woman you're trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, there's no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy, Sponge Bob, or Charlie Brown.
You say "But it's a holiday theme!!!"
Terrific, but that doesn't change the fact that the woman I undress in front of will be trying to decide whether to fuck me or read me a Bernstein Bears story.
#2. Whatever 'For Dummies' book pertains to the career I'm pursuing
I know that certain scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren't tangible like, in this case, spitting in my face, but I must say, you've come pretty damn close with your choice to give me this gift.
Your lack of faith wouldn't be more obvious if you just gave me a job application to Wal-Mart.
#3. The DVD first season of some short-lived, completely forgettable show
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the courts time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information?
The whole point of day-time reruns of crappy television is to bore people into canning the "I'm sick" bullshit so they can get back to work.
#4. The gift from the out of touch relative who thinks I'm 3 decades younger than I actually am
A vintage Star Wars lunch box! Oh Boy!!!
It even snaps shut so there's no way my sandwich, chips, or chances of ever having sex again will fall out.
Perfect.
I'll set it on top of that bin in the basement I keep my baseball cards in.
Honestly, if I didn't use my dick to take a leak, your gifts would make me forget that I have one.
#5. The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I can't honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite the fact that I really don't like cats and even go out of my way to express my dislike for cats. We've all been there, but next time you're thinking of picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, just stop at the package store and buy some rum. And if you don't mind grabbing the mail on the way in, I'd love that too.
#6. The really small gift card for the big, expensive store
Wow, $10 to Nordstrom! Yay!
Now if I can just scrape together another $10 out of my own pocket, I'll be able to buy a key chain
#7. Any type of donation being made in my name
Even though I think karma is merely a way to keep morons from really enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn't work like a gift card. In other words, you can't do something nice and have the karma points added to my account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, come answer the phone for me so I don't have to tell the low-lifes I deal with to fuck off 20 times a day
#8. A starter kit for some obscure hobby I have zero interest in and I am pretty sure you also have zero interest in.
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury in my future that I don't know about yet? If the day ever arrives that I'm reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.
#9 Any gift that serves as an attempt to include me in whatever cultish fad you're currently wasting your time with.
Yes, I've heard of The Secret and honestly I'm glad you've found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you insane and you're a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I don't see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern for your life, please realize that it's just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it.
Anyway, Merry Christmas!!!
Since I'm writing this at 4am, I guess the ability to sleep would be nice.
Here are some specific things that I DON'T want this holiday season:
#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts
Unless the woman you're trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, there's no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy, Sponge Bob, or Charlie Brown.
You say "But it's a holiday theme!!!"
Terrific, but that doesn't change the fact that the woman I undress in front of will be trying to decide whether to fuck me or read me a Bernstein Bears story.
#2. Whatever 'For Dummies' book pertains to the career I'm pursuing
I know that certain scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren't tangible like, in this case, spitting in my face, but I must say, you've come pretty damn close with your choice to give me this gift.
Your lack of faith wouldn't be more obvious if you just gave me a job application to Wal-Mart.
#3. The DVD first season of some short-lived, completely forgettable show
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the courts time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information?
The whole point of day-time reruns of crappy television is to bore people into canning the "I'm sick" bullshit so they can get back to work.
#4. The gift from the out of touch relative who thinks I'm 3 decades younger than I actually am
A vintage Star Wars lunch box! Oh Boy!!!
It even snaps shut so there's no way my sandwich, chips, or chances of ever having sex again will fall out.
Perfect.
I'll set it on top of that bin in the basement I keep my baseball cards in.
Honestly, if I didn't use my dick to take a leak, your gifts would make me forget that I have one.
#5. The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I can't honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite the fact that I really don't like cats and even go out of my way to express my dislike for cats. We've all been there, but next time you're thinking of picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, just stop at the package store and buy some rum. And if you don't mind grabbing the mail on the way in, I'd love that too.
#6. The really small gift card for the big, expensive store
Wow, $10 to Nordstrom! Yay!
Now if I can just scrape together another $10 out of my own pocket, I'll be able to buy a key chain
#7. Any type of donation being made in my name
Even though I think karma is merely a way to keep morons from really enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn't work like a gift card. In other words, you can't do something nice and have the karma points added to my account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, come answer the phone for me so I don't have to tell the low-lifes I deal with to fuck off 20 times a day
#8. A starter kit for some obscure hobby I have zero interest in and I am pretty sure you also have zero interest in.
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury in my future that I don't know about yet? If the day ever arrives that I'm reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.
#9 Any gift that serves as an attempt to include me in whatever cultish fad you're currently wasting your time with.
Yes, I've heard of The Secret and honestly I'm glad you've found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you insane and you're a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I don't see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern for your life, please realize that it's just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it.
Anyway, Merry Christmas!!!
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